What's Next?

I currently have the luxury of not working. I have been unemployed for almost three months, and I’m not gonna lie, it has been bliss. I have organized our Halloween and Christmas decorations (and for those that know me and my husband, they know this is a LOT of stuff.) I’ve finally decorated our apartment to (just about) exactly how we want it, and I am working on reorganizing and decorating the basement. I’ve started exercising, and I’ve lost 13 pounds. Most joyously, I started writing again. But because I am not independently wealthy, and nor did I win the Mega Milions Jackpot, I know I will have to go back to work soon. While finding a new job always offers its challenges, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of absolutely hating what I do for a living, and not exactly sure how to move forward with a new job in my current field of expertise.
 
As I have mentioned in other posts, I have been an Executive Assistant to C-Suite executives for 21 years. I have a very successful career despite my hatred and general apathy toward my own growth. I am lucky enough that my experience is almost always needed; it pays very well (at least in the Tri-State area), and due to my high-level experience at well-known corporations and in finance, recruiters reach out to me constantly. That doesn’t mean I’m guaranteed a job by any means, but it potentially makes my life a lot easier than someone in a more nuanced field.
 
I have also mentioned in other posts that I never wanted to be an Executive Assistant. Many other EA’s I’ve worked with have also said they did not seek out this work, but rather stumbled into it like I did, but many of them like it, and for good reason. There is a tremendous amount of power and visibility that comes with a role like mine. I have met and worked closely with some of the richest and most powerful people on the planet. Aside from the sporadic Head-of-State, famous person, or Forbes-ranked rich person, there is the general power one wields on a daily basis within the walls of a business or corporation when you work for the CEO, CFO, COO or other high-ranking manager. If I don’t know how to do something, I can enlist just about anyone in the company to help me. If I have a last-minute request for anything, I just pick up the phone, call the right contact, and I have what I need within minutes. No budgetary concerns; no time to wait. Working for the highest levels of management is a window into how the world itself works for the 1% and for the rest of us. I have benefited greatly from my privilege of working where and for whom I have worked, and I have hated myself for just about every minute I have taken advantage of that privilege. That is not to say that I haven’t genuinely liked a number of people I’ve worked for (and still do); nor is it to say that every minute has been torture. I have had some amazing experiences I never would have gotten anywhere else. I’ve eaten at some of the finest restaurants in the world; traveled in business class to Sydney, Singapore, Hong Kong and Tokyo; stayed at some of the finest hotels; attended a private dinner in the Tower of London after a private tour of the Crown Jewels, and I attended Olympic events. When I say I have been privileged, I mean privileged, and I am extremely grateful for all these experiences and more.
 
But I never wanted to work for the richest and most powerful people on the planet – at least not within the context in which I’ve actually worked for them. I am not a socialist, but I also don’t believe in unchecked Capitalism, so working at investment banks and multi-national corporations for the highest levels of management goes against everything I believe in as the human being I am, and in order for me to do what I do, I have had to largely deny most of what I believe to be inherently true: that the model of white, male, colonial, patriarchy not only built our country, but has been the model for our banking industry and our corporations, as well. All of the success thus far reaped by these companies has been on the backs of women, people of color, immigrants and on some level, taking advantage of people – either actively in factories, or through lobbying efforts supported by these companies to lessen regulations and lower corporate taxes, or by overworking and/or underpaying workers to keep us dependent on their systems for our survival. I have swallowed my anger and drowned in an ocean of denial for 21 years, and I can’t do it anymore.
 
So it is within this context that I am now trying to figure out how to move forward. I can’t just go back to what I was doing, or doing it in the same way. At the same time, I need to make money to help support my family.
 
On a practical note, I will be taking advantage of a coach and placement services I have access to through my last employer. Hopefully they can help me find a new direction.
 
But at the same time, there is this idea and feeling that is gnawing at me. So many people like me leave the corporate realm for non-profit and government work. This makes perfect sense. If you want to dismantle the system that the company is based on and that it perpetuates, how exactly do you successfully work for that company without either trying to destroy it from within, or destroying yourself? I have done a really good job at destroying myself financially, as well as physically, through lack of exercise and emotional eating over the years, so I totally get it.
 
At the same time, I feel like leaving puts us at a disadvantage. We are relegated to a world of less pay and less power, constantly fighting a reactionary fight against an entrenched and powerful system that, as Ani DiFranco says in her song Coming Up, “allows [us] to stand and solicit graffiti until [it] needs the land [we] stand on.” I think that dynamic is played out perfectly in our politics: The Republicans, the party of business and power and patriarchy pass tax cuts for the corporations and the rich and deregulate the environment and banks to help make more money and keep the current system of power firmly entrenched, while the Democrats attempt to fight for social justice and economic equality by attempting to pass legislation that will raise the minimum wage or require equal wages. These are valiant ideals that should be fought for, but they are ultimately reliant on those in power to enact and enforce that legislation, if we can even get it passed. Speaking more specifically to our current political climate, the Republicans look “powerful” and like “winners” because they are always on “offense”, and Democrats and Liberals look “weak” and like “losers” because we are seemingly always on “defense”.
 
I am not saying that people shouldn’t pursue careers in non-profit and government and social justice and all of the amazingly good fields that actually help people in a very direct way, and that fight the status quo. I am also keenly aware of Audre Lorde’s words: “For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master's house as their only source of support.”
 
I have been a willing and complicit tool in the “master’s house” for 21 years, and it has been my “only source of support” my entire adult life. Maybe I’m just scared to leave it and the privilege I reap from it. But I also hear Ani DiFranco’s words from her song My I.Q., “every tool is a weapon if you hold it right.”
 
Maybe I can go back, but instead of suppressing my ideas and facts and thoughts and anger, I can bring my authentic feminist self to work and see what happens? Maybe I can affect change from within? As I write this, I admit, I feel stupid. Why on earth should I believe affecting change from within will actually happen? Like people haven’t tried this already?
 
Only time will tell what I will end up doing, and if I will be successful at whatever it is. I only know I can’t go back to how it was. Wish me luck.